To my friendly student tax preparer:
Hello, my name is Shady Slim. I understand you are going to help me figure out my gross
income for the year…whatever that means. It’s been a busy year and I’m a busy man, so let
me give you the lowdown on my life and you can do your thing.
I was unemployed at the beginning of the year and got $2,000 in unemployment
compensation. I later got a job as a manager for Roca Cola. I earned $55,000 in base salary
this year. My boss gave me a $5,000 Christmas bonus check on December 22. I decided to
hold on to that check and not cash it until next year, so I won’t have to pay taxes on it this
year. Pretty smart, huh? My job’s pretty cool. I get a lot of fringe benefits like a membership
to the gym that costs $400 a year and all the Roca Cola I can drink, although I can’t really
drink a whole lot. I also got an award for having the department with the least number of
accidents. My boss gave me a gold watch worth $300!
As part of my manager duties, I get to decide on certain things like contracts for the
company. My good buddy, Eddie, runs a bottling company. I made sure that he won the
bottling contract for Roca Cola for this year (even though his contract wasn’t quite the best).
Eddie bought me a Corvette this year for being such a good friend. The Corvette cost
$50,000 and he bought it for me out of the goodness of his own heart. What a great guy!
Here’s a bit of good luck for the year. Upon leaving my office one day, I found $10,000
lying in the street! Well, one person’s bad luck is my good luck, right?
I like to gamble a lot. I won a $22,000 poker tournament in Las Vegas this year. I also won
about $5,000 over the year playing the guys at our Friday night poker game. Can you believe
that I didn’t lose anything this year?
Speaking of the guys, one of them hit me with his car as we were leaving the game one
night. He must have been pretty ticked that he lost! I broke my right leg and my left arm. I
sued the guy and got $11,000 for my medical expenses, $3,000 to pay my psychotherapist
for the emotional problems I had relating to the injuries (I got really depressed!), and I won
$10,000 in punitive damages. That’ll teach him that he’s not so tough without his car!
Another bit of bad luck. My uncle Monty died this year. I really liked the guy, but the
$200,000 inheritance I received from him made me feel a little better about the loss. I did the
smart thing with the money and invested it in stocks and bonds and socked a little into my
savings account. As a result, I received $600 in dividends from the stock, $400 in interest
from the municipal bonds, and $300 in interest from my savings account.
My ex-wife, Alice, is still paying me alimony. She’s a lawyer who divorced me a few years
ago because I was “unethical” or something like that. Since she was making so much money
and I was unemployed at the time, the judge ruled that she had to pay ME alimony. Isn’t that
something? She sent me $3,000 in alimony payments this year. She still kind of likes me,
though. She sent me a check for $500 as a Christmas gift this year. I didn’t get her anything,
though.
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